But They Went Willingly - Understanding Teen Sexual Grooming

Grooming is a subtle art. 

You may be familiar with the concept of “stranger danger.” However, its trusted adults, not strangers, are overwhelmingly more likely to be the perpetrators of sexual abuse and assault against children and teens.  Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. These trusted adults can play many different roles in a child’s life. They can be family, older friends, coaches, teachers or religious leaders.   

Children and young people can be groomed online, in person or both – by a stranger or someone they know.  

A groomer can use the same sites, games and apps as young people, spending time learning about a young person's interests and use this to build a relationship with them. Children can be groomed online through:

• social media networks
• text messages and messaging apps, like Whatsapp
• email
• text, voice and video chats in forums, games and apps.

It's important to remember that children and young people may not understand they've been groomed. They may have complicated feelings, like loyalty, admiration, love, as well as fear, distress and confusion.

It can be difficult to tell if a child is being groomed – the signs aren't always obvious and may be hidden. Older children might behave in a way that seems to be "normal" teenage behaviour, masking underlying problems.Some of the signs you might see include:

• being very secretive about how they're spending their time, including when online
• having an older boyfriend or girlfriend
• having money or new things like clothes and mobile phones that they can't or won't explain
• underage drinking or drug taking
• spending more or less time online or on their devices
• being upset, withdrawn or distressed
• Sexualized behaviours, language or an understanding of sex that's not appropriate for their age
• spending more time away from home or going missing for periods of time.

Remember, a child is unlikely to know they've been groomed. 

The following signs might indicate that someone is grooming you or your family with the aim of sexually abusing your child or the child you’re caring for.

The person:

• oversteps your social boundaries – for example, they might show up to your child’s birthday party uninvited with a gift
• offers to take your child to sports or other activities, or offers to babysit or take your child camping
• offers to mentor your child, individually coach your child, and so on
• buys gifts for your family
• shows an interest in your child’s activities, wellbeing, school grades or other areas of your child’s life
• tries to start a flirtatious or romantic relationship with you.

Grooming isn’t always obvious. People engaging in grooming behaviour work hard to gain trust and respect from children and families. 

Call 911 if you or the person you are reporting is in immediate danger.

Call the Child Abuse Hotline to get help if you, or children you know, are being neglected, abused or sexually exploited. If you believe a child is at risk, you must report it. Help is available in multiple languages 24/7.

• Phone: 1-800-387-5437 (KIDS) in Canada and the United States.
• Elsewhere in the world dial 00-1-780-427-9485.

Ultimately, our goal in this type of education is not only raising awareness and helping youths keep themselves safer, but also empowering youths to disclose instances of abuse to trusted adults. 

The truth will set them free.